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For earlier generations, family life was often such a rich mix of grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews and in-laws. But when our lives switched into overdrive, many of us fled home base for better jobs, finer weather, a fresh start. Second, third, fourth cousins were born. Who could keep track? But now, in more anxious times, we want family ties—lots of them. These ideas from women across the country and family experts can help you strengthen existing bonds or connect with newfound relatives.
Start the Ball Rolling
First, you need to make contact. Pull together a list of all the relatives you know, including their contact info such as snail-mail and e-mail addresses and phone numbers. Get in touch and ask how to find other family members. Getting birth dates for everyone is a good idea, advises Jennifer Washington, who lives in Dallas. “Now we send birthday cards to everyone as a way of keeping in touch.” She also includes birthday wishes in the family newsletter, which goes out to everyone on her mailing list at least five times a year. Then consider shaking the family tree. If you’re tech savvy, use the Internet to explore your family history. “A lot of people think they don’t have much, if any, family,” says Ione Vargus, Ph.D., head of the Family Reunion Institute at Temple University in Philadelphia. “Then they discover genealogy, the second most popular hobby in the United States.” The lucky ones hit the jackpot: You’ve got family! You may find dozens, even hundreds, of new family members who would welcome you as one of their own.
Sometimes, of course, all you have to do is ask. “Most families have at least one historian,” says Vargus. They take snapshots at weddings and holidays and compile lists of living and deceased family members. They’ll probably rejoice at your interest and eagerly share information. Then all you have to do is show up at the next get-together. Reluctant to break your no-show record? “You’re not alone in thinking, ‘I don’t have anything in common with those folks,’” Vargus says. Her advice: Decide to go just this once. “People tell me, ‘I only went to the reunion because my cousin begged me to.’ Then they’re amazed at how much fun they have.” Sweet, too, to find kin who share your interests: “Cousin Anne reads three mystery novels a week, just like me.”
You can also stay connected by being a virtual relative. Visit the family web site often to see what’s new. If there is no site, consider launching one. Make it accessible to all online relatives so they can post their news: births, birthdays, marriages, deaths, school or work achievements. Not everyone will post, so call and get their news and post it yourself. Enjoy One Another More Find any good excuse to get together. When five generations of women in Yvette Moyo’s family gather for a girls’-night-out sleepover, it’s officially a “housewarming to bless a new home.” But actually it’s a great chance for about 30 female kin, including her 96-year-old grandmother, to spend a few joyous hours together. “We gather at the new home at six on a Saturday night,” says Yvette, the president of “Real Men Cook,” an event in selected cities. “Everybody takes gifts, food and a sleeping bag. We paint each other’s nails, eat, talk and laugh a lot. In the morning we fix breakfast and toast one another with champagne.” For many of us, getting together regularly with our closest friends can work the same magic. “Anthropologists call them fictive kin because they’re like family without the blood tie,” says Mary Hotvedt, Ph.D., a certified marriage and family therapist in private practice in Tucson.
For years Nancy Lee and her two best friends since fourth grade have gotten together around Academy Awards time for an annual pajama party. “We go to events and see the sights and talk, talk, talk,” says Nancy. “We also read from a collective journal that one of us keeps during the year. Then it’s passed along to the next person.” Of course, sometimes the family gatherings take place for a more somber occasion, a funeral. But you might use the moment to bond in a special way.
When Kara’s great-aunt, the last of her grandmother’s siblings, died recently, the family held a “moving into the future” ceremony. “We passed around lighted candles representing each of my grandmother’s siblings,” Kara says. “With the last candle, it was like passing the torch to the next generation, which is committed to keeping family memories and traditions alive.”
Funerals can also be a wonderful celebration of someone’s life, says Linda Austin, M.D., a clinical psychiatrist and author of Heart of the Matter: How to Find Love, How to Make It Work. “One of my aunts died recently, and my cousin Robin threw a family dinner featuring Aunt Betty’s favorite food,” she says. “We all agreed that molded gelatin and stringbeans in cream of mushroom soup didn’t taste any better now than when Aunt Betty served them!”Jump the Generation Gap Explore a new pastime or hobby with someone older.
So you and Aunt Jane always wanted to learn French? Hire a college student as a tutor or sign up for a class together. “The daughter-in-law of one of my friends gave him painting lessons for Christmas,” says Dr. Austin. “She took the class, too. They had a great time, and painting became this 85-year-old man’s late-life passion.”
Or help Grandma get wired. Tell her, “We can talk on the Internet just like we do on the phone and it won’t cost a cent!” But make the tech transition no- or low-cost and hassle-free. “Hand over your extra or used computer and help her learn how to use it,” Dr. Austin suggests.When you do get together, especially with older relatives, be a soft touch. Literally. “Elderly relatives crave to be touched, especially if they’ve lost a spouse or spend a lot of time alone,” says Dr. Austin. Massage your grandmother’s back or rub her feet when she’s feeling poorly. Gently hold an aging aunt’s hand as you talk or brush her hair. The memory of these tender moments will last long after your elders are gone.
It’s also fun to find creative ways to honor the living. “One family I know threw a great party for an aunt’s 100th birthday,” says Vargus. “Relatives and friends came from all over America to acknowledge her for being such a strong leader in the family.” For Yvette Moyo’s parents’ 50th anniversary, there was a shindig all right. “We brought in all the family and friends from their wedding party,” she recalls. “We had their wedding pictures enlarged and on display. It was something, hearing the older folks talking about the stories behind those photos!”
Bond with the Children
Nancy Lee has nine young nieces and nephews and is close to each one. She accomplished this by taking the time to go one-on-one. “We get together on their terms, in their world—and away from the rest of the family,” says Nancy, who lives in Santa Barbara, California. She takes each niece and nephew, along with a special friend, “because the talk has more jump when there are two kids,” out for birthday celebrations. “We go to a movie they want to see and we eat where they want. Usually it’s fast food.” To have fun with young relatives, she says, don’t knock their choices. If they only order fries for dinner, Aunt Nancy doesn’t blink. When family members live across the country, you need to go the distance to stay connected. Today, what’s easier than calling or e-mailing around the globe? Dr. Austin and her 7-year-old niece Olivia, who lives in different state, link up often by phone. Yes, they chatter, but they also share a mutual passion—playing piano. “We each prop up our phones and take turns playing. Olivia plays her favorite pieces for me and then I play mine. I love that we’re creating this special bond when she’s so young.”